AMERICAN MALE PROSTITUTE
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness, can be trained to do most things.
- Jilly Cooper
-
American Male Prostitute – A Novel by Wilfried F. Voss
American Male Prostitute
How I shamelessly promoted my novel with sex, lies, and deceit.
A Novel by Wilfried F. Voss
Available in all good bookstores and Online in September 2010.
Stuart Martin Berry has only three months left to find a publisher for his first novel. In a desperate attempt to reach his goal he leaves his home to live in New York. His wife has given him free reins to do whatever it takes to get a book deal. Her only request was not to give her any details on how he got there. If he fails he will be forced to give up his dream of being a famous writer and take a regular forty hour a week job. For Stuart this is sufficient motivation to start a three month adventure full of sex, lies, and deceit, without losing focus of the ultimate goal. When he finally reaches the finish line, he has evolved and become a top expert in the publishing world.
The idea for American Male Prostitute came after reading my favorite, most useless magazine, Writer’s Digest. Well, it is not totally useless, since it provided me with enough information to learn about the bizarre world of book publishing. Just the other day, I found yet another advertisement that made my blood broil, and I was ready to get my hands on that computer keyboard and add a flaming entry to my blog. Maybe, I thought, I’ll make this a series and share my experiences with every new, aspiring author.
To put it in a nut-shell, today’s publishing world is a shark tank. There is a great number of sharks out there, circling the waters, prying on the vast number of wannabe-authors who will never have a chance to sell their work, but are nevertheless naive enough to spend their money with useless services. It is a shame that a magazine such as Writer’s Digest is in the business to support these dubious businesses.
Through my research I found that the market for nonfiction on writing and publishing is cluttered ad nauseam. The majority of these works are – excuse my French – full of crap. Then I remembered the saying “Don’t anger me or I will write a novel about you”, and that is what I am currently doing. There is no better weapon than writing a novel about the industry. They deserve it.
Excerpt (Unedited version)
My name is Stuart Martin Berry, and until last week I was an editor for one of the largest magazines dedicated to the dreamworld of writers and poets. Like many of my ex-colleagues, I am also a failed novelist. My first and so far last novel never made it into publication. That was almost two years ago, and, with my pregnant wife pressing me to get a job that actually created an income, I considered my writing career as being over and done with.
For a short while after my failure, literary agents, snobby bastards that they are, treated me like I was the carrier of a deadly disease. But they started kissing up to me as soon as I got my job as editor for the above mentioned magazine. Until then, during an intense three month period of shamelessly promoting my book, I had learned my lesson on effective bull-shitting. Suddenly, if you believe my job description, I was not a failed novelist, but an accomplished author, who had decided to share his knowledge with the aspiring writer, to provide advice and inspiration. These days you see my photo in various publications, printed or Online, identifying me as a top expert on all aspects of fiction writing. My job included, among many other things, writing about writing without being allowed to actually write something substantial like, let’s say, a novel.
Another essential part of my work as an editor was to maintain a dreamworld for the tens of thousands of wannabe-writers who made the mistake to subscribe to our magazine or the even more useless Online forum. You see, a writers’ magazine cannot exist without the vast number of illusional writers who will never have the slightest chance of ever being published. In order to have your book published you need to be good and, as I was told from day one, the vast majority of our subscribers weren’t. I was also directed to keep the information in my articles at a fairly superficial level, and for God’s sake not to write anything that might interfere with the business of the sharks who paid good money for advertisement in our magazine. That wasn’t difficult for me. As I said, bull-shitting was one of my acquired talents.
Well, the bull-shitting time is finally over, and, honestly, I hated every single day. Deep in my soul I am an honest guy. Unfortunately, honesty doesn’t pay the bills.
Fortunately, though, about four weeks ago, my wife Sophie had accepted a job offer for a $150,000 annual salary plus benefits, and I had offered to be a stay-at-home Dad. Our daughter Magda is now almost two years old, and my wife was itching to get back to her former job as the manager of the Human Resources department of a major insurance company based in Washington, D.C.
I have not yet decided what I will do during the copious spare time between play-group-mornings and afternoon walks in the park. Llysha, another aspiring author and good friend of mine, had jokingly suggested to start our own publishing business, and she touted BBS, Inc. as the business name. BBS stands for “Baffle me with your Bull-Shit”, and, believe me, the name alone was a guarantee for success in the publishing industry.
To stay with the truth, I am done with writing. I am with Groucho Marx who once said, “I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.” Nevertheless, I am burning to take a final hit at the system. It deserves it.
While we’re at it, my name is not Stuart Martin Berry, and events and names have been changed to protect my family, especially my wife. I will tell you about the weirdest three months of my life, during which I tried to find a publisher for my book. My wife had given me totally free reins to do whatever it would take to get a book deal. Her only request was not to share any details of how I got there.
Author’s Comments
As always, my writing is based on intense research, and the following blog entries are a record of my activities.
October 19, 2009
The Truth About Publishing With Outskirts Press
It is time to take another swing at the sharks in the publishing business. As part of some research for a new novel, I had decided to work through a number of older issues of my favorite, most useless magazine, Writer’s Digest. In the following I am referring to the March/April 2009 issue, page 11, which contains a full-page advertisement by Outskirts Press. In the ad, Joseph De Sena, author of four children’s books, is quoted as follows: “I have published three children’s books with Outskirts Press and I can say without reservation that each experience has been a pleasure. The quality of each book was spectacular. I am writing my fourth children’s book and Outskirts Press will be handling all the publishing details. I couldn’t be happier.” Good for him! However, let’s do a reality check. As of today I found four of his books on Amazon.com. Three of them come with a price tag of $19.95. His latest publication is priced at $27.95. Needless to say, but this kind of price range, in view of the competitive market, makes it almost impossible to sell the books, and it shows in the sales ranks. Read more…
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
The Indecision Process Is Done With
Since the release of The Bleeding Hills, I also learned that the presence of a second novel might have a greater impact on my first work than the actual first novel itself. So, I was pressed to make a decision between two candidates. The winner is clearly American Male Prostitute. First, the title itself is the best marketing tool, because it is provocative, and I have already written more than 7,500 words. Writing American Male Prostitute is fun, and I am not saying that writing The Fellow Utopian isn’t. Well, in all honesty American Male Prostitute is more fun, and that is the reason that writing it will result in better progress.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Literary Agents Are Snobby Bastards
You think the title is a little strong? Well, maybe, but there is a truth behind it. I am sure there are some good ones out there, but I stay with my statement when it comes to the majority of literary agents. As a business man I am appalled by the lack of business sense these people display to the public, especially when it comes to rejecting writers not because they’re not talented but due to primitive reason such as violation of the submission guidelines.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
The Pain With Outskirts Press
The following is an article I wrote back in March of 2009 (See also the comment by a reader on the bottom of the article):
If you are in the business of self-publishing your book and you have done some research, you most certainly have found Outskirts Press one way or the other. I was curious enough to sign up for their newsletter and to receive their publishing guide, but I should have known better. Just a fair warning: Getting in touch with Outskirts Press is the equivalent of inviting a leech “Please come, suck my blood and don’t you ever leave.” There is a fine line between aggressive marketing and harassing current or potential customers. The “Author Services” people at Outskirts Press (Apparently Karl, Elizabeth, and Chris) definitely keep in touch with their potential customers, but, in my very personal opinion, they also violate some marketing ethics, if not even the law.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Another “American Male Prostitute” from New York
Okay, things are getting a little weird. I am putting in a lot of work to promote my novels and, consequently, my web site, but I did not expect the e-mail inquiry I received today from Bruce in New York in regards to my new novel American Male Prostitute. It reads: “I am very big in this business… shall we say. And I’m very curious about the research you’ve done on your novel. (AMP). We should talk. Bruce”.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
If I Only Had Time
I felt, I should be writing an update on my novel American Male Prostitute. I am still in Germany (see also my blog entry The Lonely Cold Hotel Room), and traveling here, plus the preparation, took all my attention away from writing. I am finally in the right mind set, and whenever I have time to write I make good progress, usually between 2,000 to 3,000 words per writing session.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Chocolate Jesus
It is safe to assume you came to read this entry due to its title, Chocolate Jesus. Some of you may find it intriguing, or provocative, or challenging, or bizarre, or… Whatever you call it, it got your attention, and that is my point. Just today I found an entry in the Online forum at AuthorNation.com (in my personal opinion the most civilized forum for writers). A fellow author complained about a book that apparently sells very well in the United States, but whose title he found somewhat annoying. The book in question is I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell by Tucker Max. Let me quote from the product description section at Amazon.com: “My name is Tucker Max, and I am an asshole. I get excessively drunk at inappropriate times, disregard social norms, indulge every whim, ignore the consequences of my actions, mock idiots and posers, sleep with more women than is safe or reasonable, and just generally act like a raging dickhead. But, I do contribute to humanity in one very important way: I share my adventures with the world.”
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
A Reversed Form Of Writer’s Block
My version of writer’s block comes in form of not having worked on my second novel for several weeks. I spent some useless time on writers’ forums, and even tried to make some money through my blog. To put the result up-front, forums are a terrible waste of time, and I made $15 in two weeks by writing one lousy article on my blog. On the other hand, my novel American Male Prostitute is about making a career as a writer, and I will take the liberty of adding my experiences to the story of the main character, Stuart Berry. Also, what I learned out these few weeks is to stay put and concentrate merely on my own writing.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
A New Religious Movement: Writology
I just received the latest issue of my favorite most useless magazine, Writer’s Digest. Why I still receive it, I don’t know; I don’t keep track when my subscription ends, and it will hopefully end some time soon. It took me an annoying five minutes to page through the magazine to find there was nothing in there that would even remotely interest me. The only purpose I found in this publication was to investigate the fascinating, yet odd world of writing and publishing. The articles in the February 2010 issue are titled Why Inspiration Matters, Essential of the Writing Life, Wake Up That Subconscious, and more. Let me just add that I get inspiration and motivation every time I go to church, and I’d rather listen to our priest.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Writology – The Silent Religion
Today’s writing and publishing world is shrugging off the old “exclusive-club” mentality, but it is, by any means, not a friendly place for an aspiring writer. As a matter of fact, the industry has turned into a shark tank. When I refer to “the industry” I mean, among other businesses, the traditional publishers, most of who are struggling these days, but they are not the actual problem. The “shark tank” is dominated by new startups in the industry, mostly vanity publishers, who produce significant profit without delivering the results they promise. It seems that scammers possess a much keener business sense than the traditional publishing businesses, and they are taking the better part of a multi-million Dollar business.
